NeverWas

Hello Everyone, I would like to invite you to a special place. A place called NeverWas. Never heard of it? I am sure you have. You see, NeverWas is that special place for all of us who ever wished that our lives could be different, those of us who wished we were richer, smarter, skinnier.... NeverWas is that place where you think you want to be when something happens that you believe you cant handle. The place where you can be someone else and forget all of your problems. there is only one catch to being in NeverWas. You cant take any part of the old you with you. You have to give up anything and everything from your old self. This includes your cute little toes, or your curly hair, your almond shaped eyes, your education, every single acquaintance and relationship you ever had, every joy and pain you ever felt, EVERYTHING! It's just like one of those movies where the angel shows the person what their life would be like if a certain person didn't exist to them. It always ends badly of course. The only difference is in those movies, the person still has many of the same things they did in the other life, but in NeverWas it is all gone. It may still sound great that you could completely be someone else but dont forget that when you inherit someone elses dreams you also take on their nightmares. Oh it may seem great if you could be a movie star or a millionaire, but really then you would never have any privacy. Your every move would be looked upon and judged even more than it is now. You would never know if someone loved you for you or your money. It may seem great to be the beautiful and popular girl next door, but what happens behind closed doors in the popular girls home. Is her mother a perfectionist living her dream through her daughter. Do all of the jealous girls call her names when shes not around. Does her father drink and beat her up? You just dont know because it isn't meant for you . It isn't you. What I am getting at is that no matter what your situation right now, no matter how good or bad it seems, would you be willing to give every single thing you know of up just to be in someone elses shoes? I wouldn't. This idea came to me because of two things. Jealousy and regret. In high school I was terribly bullied by two girls in the A crowd. I could never figure out what was so awful about me that they wanted to make my life miserable. Oh how I hated those two. I got sick every time I would see them, and they made sure to try to make me sicker. I often thought growing up that if just once I had stood up to them or if they hadn't chosen me for their entertainment that my whole life would be different. I told myself that I wouldn't have been a drug addict, I would have had better self esteem, I wouldn't have been in abusive relationships, etc, etc, etc. Would you belive that as little as two months ago, I went through every single social network I could think of looking for them. Trying to find a flaw in their lives. I just wanted one post or comment letting me know that they too had troubles in their perfect worlds. One thing telling me that they had hardships. I never did find them. I found everyone else I could ever imagine, but not them. You know what though? It's okay today. I stopped my mad endeavor because a few weeks ago, it was raining and nasty out and I just took a hot bath. I was looking over my cramped little apartment and watching my two darling cats. I could hear my lover of ten years in the bedroom snoring softly and I could only say Thank You to the powers that be. Upon uttering those words it was as if a veil was lifted and my whole life flashed before my eyes. I saw every single hard ship that I have ever experienced and you know what? I realize that if one tiny little thing would have been different, then my whole life would be different as well. I wouldn't have all that I have now. I wouldnt have the love of my life sleeping next to me every night. I wouldnt have two furry little black cuddly bodies next to me every time I sit or lay down. I would never know the sweetest hugs from my adorable nephews and my neighbors kids. I would never know how to say no and be okay with it, I would never know what its like to stand on your own and make it. I would never know what I dont want in life and how to avoid it. I wouldnt know that I am someone and that I am an important part of the grand scheme of things. I would never know. So I wish to impart this, you have to take the good with the bad. If you wish to visit NeverWas you can go anytime, but I promise you when you go you will spend the rest of your days looking for the old you that you had to leave behind and you will spend them in regret and fear. If you choose to stay you and take your lumps like a good little boy or girl, then yes you may wish once in a while that you could be that person who has it all, but just know they really do have it all. The good and the bad. Know that you are not the perfect you without all of the things you love and hate. You are not you if you are someone else. Say thank you today for being you and bless someone else for being them. Most of all be thankful that you are not the same. Be happy that there never was a NeverWas in your life and that there will always be you, the perfect you the way you were meant to be.

Thank You

Recently I was going through a rough time with the issue of standing on my own two feet as a woman. I was so depressed that I wanted to relapse. I didn't but I thought about it a lot. I had some medical and legal issues that I needed help with and a good friend was supposed to walk me through the process in order to get my benefits extended. Everything was great and then my friend came into a lot of money. She stopped calling and hanging out with me, leaving me to feel as though I had done something wrong. I confronted her and basically she let me know that she was trimming the vines on her friendships with people who were no longer in her new monetary circle. I was shocked and outraged. I couldn't believe that the same person I had given my last to several times was ditching me because I didn't have as much money as her now. I was also truly hurt and confused as how to proceed with my legal/medical issues. I went back and forth with myself about it and still tried to linger in this persons presence by making myself available to her every whim. I didn't want anything from her, just that she treat me as she always had. I think she felt that her less fortunate friends would start asking for money so she just cut us out of her life. Whatever the case, I didn't want her money, just my old friend back. Thanksgiving day she called me and asked a favor. She wanted me to walk 20 minutes in the pouring rain to the local pharmacy to get her prescription filled for her. She has a car but she was not feeling well. This used to be the kind of things we would do for each other. I had dinner cooking and was about to leave to go to my family's house. My mate suggested I tell her where she could go, but I relented and did as she asked. On the way to the store she called me and asked if I had enough money to get her some soup as well. Sighing I counted my last 4.00 dollars and bought her the things she asked for. I told her I didn't mind but that I would need the money back when I got to her house because it was my last. 2 hours later while I waited for her prescription I finally got back. She then informed me that she couldn't pay me back because she had no change for a 50.00 dollar bill. Sneering, she asked if I had the money to make change. I dont know what brought on this sudden act of cruelty but I kindly handed her the groceries and pills and told her dont worry about it. May of you are probably thinking I am crazy for letting her do this to me, but I spent 5 years in prison and have learned the infinite patience and wisdom of picking and choosing your battles. I went home and cried on my girlfriends shoulder. I then went into my bathroom and said a sincere prayer and asked the universe to guide me and uplift me. That evening I had the best holiday ever with my family. I also had the best nights sleep that I have had in a long time. I still was at a loss about my legal/medical problems. Today, three things happened. I called my counselor and received the awesome news that my benefits will be extended. Apparently all of this time I was supposed to be getting them and wasn't. I too will be getting a nice little chunk of money. This whole time I thought I was doing things wrong by listening to my "friend" and was about to start doing things her way. I was actually doing all that I was supposed to and if I had followed her advice I would have lost my benefits. Also the other person in my life who I also consider a friend had won the lottery for a nice little amount and decided that she wanted to take myself and my girlfriend out to dinner and she also blessed us with money for my outstanding electric bill. Before I go on let me say that this was not and still is not about money. I am grateful for it, but the issue was that I truly believed I had a friend and she wasn't. It was about money for her. Now back to what happened today. I saw my old pal who ditched me, she was very upset and I asked her what was wrong. She did not give me all of the details but basically she had a large sum of her new found wealth taken by another family member that she trusted so much. I did not laugh or take pleasure in the but I did smile to myself that once again when I took my hands off of a situation and let the universe take over, that I am okay today. I don not so much feel blessed because of the money, or that someone got their just deserts. I feel thankful because I saw that I can do this on my own and that where I lost someone in my life, I also gained a much better friend in my neighbor and in myself. I also see that what looks like a tragedy is often a blessing. Lastly I see that I can stand on my own two feet and that even if things dont always turn out for my benefit, that I will be okay as long as I can pray. I chose to be the better person in all of this and I got my self esteem back. All that I can say is THANK YOU!